How do you react when someone looks at your mobile phone or laptop screen without your invitation? Maybe you just shrug it off, or glare at the person. But please consider it a good opportunity to develop social skills, beginning with your ability to read expressions. Is the person looking with concentrated effort, or just gazing about with no clear purpose? You can check your answer by asking in a non threatening way – “Hey, why you’re looking at what I’m looking at?” or just moving the screen out of range and monitoring the reaction.
A more tech approach would be to open an app that featuring an eye staring back at that person, alerting them to the fact you know they are looking. Even more empowering would be an emoji that could convey the range of mental reactions you might have to their screenlifting. But what would you want to express?
Anger or hostility would only seem to beg more problems. It might help if you are reasonably sure the looker was an immediate threat. But otherwise, how do you know she wasn’t about to warn you that she had spotted a terrible malware? Fear might be an honest message, but probably unwise if the person is inclined to cause harm. Kindness is usually always good, no matter what the situation, but might be exploited by a person you know little about. I would recommend a neutral expression that sends this message: I am aware, and I care.
What better position to find a mutually agreeable outcome, both for you and the looker? The fact you care doesn’t mean you are angry or glad they are looking, just interested in why. It invites discussion of their intention and puts you in the best position going forward no matter what the lookers’ intention. It broadcasts strength through awareness and engagement. A neutral state of caring gives you options to focus on yourself if they are too self interested, or more about them if it turns out they need help. Of course, if the person harbors immediate malicious intent, forget the emoji expression and either fight or run, depending on the situation.
Now on the flip side, if you are discovered looking at a screen, how should you respond? If you mean that person harm, well, I’m not sure why you are reading a blog devoted to improving human relations through mutually agreeable outcomes. But perhaps you are trying to become a better person and my first piece of advice would be to acknowledge wrongdoing while making sure to restrain yourself from any violent impulses. If you are a secret intelligence officer and are caught reading the screen of a dangerous enemy, just rely on your training. I don’t know what to tell you.
But, if like most in this situation, your eyes land on another’s screen out of genuine curiosity, inattention, or boredom. And you won’t yet have an emoji to express an emotional state, so you’ll need to use your face and body language to respond. What will you want to say?
Do you feel you had a right to look at the screen, since it was right in front of you? If the screen owner is unhappy, then they shouldn’t have held it up, right? It’s much easier to convey this with a sneer or look of contempt, than actually using those words. Or do you feel guilty, like you have trespassed on this person’s digital property and you should get off as quickly as possible? Your embarrassed look away and inability to make eye contact will get that message across.
Your attitude about being discovered, your response to it, should match your belief about how far your rights extend into others’. And here lies an opportunity to turn a minor incident in line at Starbucks or the local library into a philosophical examination of wide ranging implications. How much do you feel entitled to others’ space or inner knowledge? How much should you know about what others know? How much permission do you need? And do you think others should expect the same of you? If you have decided that your goal in every interaction is find a mutually agreeable outcome then your inquiry, your curiosity, your efforts are trying to serve the both of you. Even if you make a mistake, you can avoid the sense of guilt that accompanies self conflict, and focus on learning from it.
It’s okay if what you think your rights are overlap or intrude into what they think their rights are. That happens all the time and will continue. But it’s not okay to ignore or lie about it, though. That just makes problems worse. Figure out how your overlapping, conflicting interests can find a mutually agreeable outcome starts by expressing that you are aware that they are aware, and you care.
I wish I knew how to tell you exactly how to express this caring awareness. Figuring it out is one of the main near term goals of this blog.