Here’s my installment of thoughts about hugging.
Using Fresh Words to Defuse Old Tensions
When someone speaks so loudly their voice intrudes on everyone nearby, it’s sort of your duty as a good interdependent citizen to speak up. Don’t you want to know when you are annoying others? So unless you’ve heard the person clearly state “I know I’m loud and I don’t care”, just ask if they intend to be heard by everyone. They might really appreciate this feedback, especially if they are newly hired CIA agents, Mafia members, or just rumor mongering neighbors who think no one is aware of their gossip.
Now hopefully you’ve listened in on their conversation and learned a bit about them. What if you’ve gotten the sense they won’t respond well to the direct approach? Or what if you just have trouble being direct? Just because you don’t think the person will be receptive to your input doesn’t mean you should give up. So try starting a conversation by introducing a new word. Fortunately, I have a fresh one to suggest. It might feel funny or sound foolish, but exposing your own vulnerability might make the person a more receptive listener.
Here goes. Time to intervene. Tell the person that they should be used in a dictionary as a perfect example of a loudpiquer. Be sure to maintain a fair, evenly composed facial expression. The best way to do that, of course, is to genuinely want to learn more about this individual and share valuable feedback. But, if your underlying attitude is one of hostility or a desire to escalate tension, please don’t do this at all. But, you should definitely continue reading this blog and buy all my books.
This person may have several possible reactions. Because loudpiquer sounds a lot like loudspeaker, they’ll probably know you’re talking about their voice levels. Yet, they’ll also be a little confused, and think, he didn’t say “speaker”, he said “piquer” (although they’ll probably mentally spell it “peaker”.) But saying they are a “perfect” example, and could be used in a dictionary (very smart) will come off as a compliment and should disarm whatever tension might otherwise arise from butting into their conversation. They should also be impressed by your generosity. After all, you’re bearing the gift of increased vocabulary.
Now that you have that person’s attention, explain a little more about the word. We all know the word loud. Pique (with an iqu) can mean to arouse curiosity or cause irritation. Either way, that’s what is happening. The ensuing conversation should answer questions about the person’s awareness, their general interest in new things, and their willingness to adapt to the needs of others. And, you’ll learn more about yourself as you try a new way to interact with people.
Of course it’s possible the person won’t appreciate this new word, and maybe even think that you are making fun of them with it. Tread carefully if you get this vibe. Our playful interventions will take some practice and I don’t want anyone getting discouraged by a painful beating or some other humiliating public experience. Apologize if necessary, but explain that you were just trying to do them a favor. Don’t act scared, but be respectful. Pay attention, file away their response in your powerful, computer-like brain, and it will add to your knowledge about social interactions. Over time you will become increasingly adept at dealing with people. Probably.
Linguistic Reparations
Whether I’m working out on one leg during T25, or seeking the right mix of work and play, I’m always trying to achieve balance. Nowhere is this more important than in choosing what to say to others. Clear communication requires directness, sometimes even abrupt boldness, and yet every person is a potential minefield of unique sensibilities. Stating the plain truth is important, but poor timing or bad choice of words can arouse emotions that prevent the content of your message from ever being heard. Selecting the right personal pronoun is an example of how hard it can be to strike that balance.
In many ways pronouns illustrate some of the differences between the sexes. Women have received the short end of the stick in a lot of ways for a long time. Pay, job opportunities, myriad legal rights are just some examples. This inequality even crept into English grammar so that when the gender of an antecedent was unknown, proper English automatically defaulted to he, him, his. Well, that’s not only biased, it’s often inaccurate. So what do we do? Some have combated this linguistic misogyny by simply flipping the script and defaulting to she, her, hers when referring to an unknown antecedent. This still leaves us vulnerable to the same inaccuracy problems. So some language leaders use “they” now when the sex is unknown, even with singular subjects. Sometimes I do that when speaking, but when in writing I can’t overcome concerns about lack of clarity.
Some gender neutral words have been invented, but none have gained much acceptance. For now they I’m afraid they create a distracting source of confusion among mainstream readerships. Since many of the scenarios I describe in this blog require a personal pronoun without clear antecedent, I need a solution, and here it is. Most of my posts deal with how people treat each other. When I am referring to someone who is neutral or behaving well, if the gender of that person is not known I will use a female pronoun, she, her, hers. But if I am writing about a person of unknown gender who behaves poorly, thoughtlessly, or is an asshole in any way, I will use the pronoun he, him, or his. I can’t make everyone happy with this decision, but for now I’ll pay up some linguistics reparations. Sorry for all the years of oppression and neglect, sisters. P.S. I’ll deal with binary gender and gender fluid concerns later.
Applying the Ware Care Continuum Part 3: Discovery
Gathering enough information about a person in order to assess awareness and caring can be tricky. Just the phrase “gathering information about a person” sounds ominous. So here are some common sense suggestions. I haven’t scientifically tested these methods, but I am, as far as I know, still a member of society in good standing. And while they may not help, they at least don’t seem to hurt.
The first thing most people do when they want to know more about someone is to look at him or her. But beware not to intrude with your eyes. Most of us, at some point, have been made uncomfortable by a stare of another person. If the individual is imposing or sinister, it can be scary discomfort. If they appear to know you, but you don’t know them, expect awkward discomfort. And if you the person seems to like you or wants something from you, a range of comforts might open up – from very comfortable, to how can I get out of here –discomfort.
Try to gather information directly, while making eye contact. If you are in an unpleasant encounter, too much eye contact or questioning can escalate tensions. If your goal is mutually satisfactory outcomes, you may need to avoid making things worse by trying to learn too much too quickly. But if you are on a mission to understand someone’s awareness and caring, you can’t give up.
The deepest understanding often comes from conversation, full of questions and answers. People don’t like a lot of personal questions unless being asked by a person who cares about them, and even then they don’t always appreciate it. It’s often helpful to state why you are asking questions. While learning and sharing the truth about each other is an important objective, the emotions devoted to our sense of vulnerability can make it complicated. Figuring out the best way to express our interest in others will is goal of Participastory.
For example, if I tell someone I don’t know well, “Hi, the only reason I’m asking these questions is because I want to know how much you are aware of and care about other people,” that will probably make that other person nervous, unless she is running for office or some kind of advocacy job and has thought about that answer quite a bit already.
Looking and listening won’t always reveal everything someone’s awareness and caring. When those are insufficient, use your other senses. Smell, but from an appropriate distance, which is the standard area of personal space, at least 18 inches. And be sensitive to how loudly you do so; while it’s poor taste to smell someone secretly, sniffing loudly a person can send the wrong signal too. Touch can be okay, but mainly in the form of a hearty clap on the back, a hug, or a handshake. Touch can quickly send a negative signal about your level of awareness and caring, so if you have any reservation about it use, avoid it completely. Even greater caution should be exercised around gathering information through the sense of taste. Some cultures promote active cheek kissing as a form of greeting. In that situation you might collect some data about the person from the lip contact, but rarely should you use tongue. You need a good understanding of a person’s level of awareness and caring well before using tongue.
One of the best ways to learn about someone is to discuss him or her with friends and acquaintances. Again, be careful because there is high risk of discomfort, guilt feelings, and the invasion into family and friendship bonds. Just as I hope you know I’m trying to get a few chuckles by exploiting assumptions about gossip, you should realize that talking to people about others is a rich source of information. Sometimes you can learn more about the person from their friends than from that person directly. This is not to turn our society into a police state full of interviews and friendship canvasses, but to utilize some of the same techniques for finding bad actors to learn how to better appreciate our good ones.
Future posts will explore the best ways to learn more about each other, and in the process, ourselves.
Where to Start
The Care Aware Index is meant to focus your thoughts about other people in ways that can easily be expressed as feedback to start valuable dialogues. It might seem ideal to apply these assessments to everyone you meet, but that’s probably not a good place to start. Our schedules won’t allow it and the human brain may not have that much processing power. And even once we can augment our mental abilities technologically, do we want to assess everyone we see on the street? It is possible to care too much and we’ll discuss that later.
It’s tempting to think that the first people we should assess are our friends and family. Aren’t your odds of success better with people Continue reading “Where to Start”
Intro to the Care/Aware Index
I am not a social scientist, nor philosopher, but I play one in the blogosphere. And in that capacity I suggest that humanity has the ability now to solve many of its most of its threatening social problems. Simplistic explanations for violence and famine such as Evil, or the difficulty in getting disparate groups to agree, are just not productive. But, my simplistic explanation might be – many social problems are caused by people who aren’t aware or don’t care about others around them.
Think about poverty, crime, intolerance, war… We now understand much of what causes or contributes to all these issues. We extract Continue reading “Intro to the Care/Aware Index”
Disclaimers and clarifications
Participastory is devoted to exploring human interdependence. That means hiking, sometimes crawling through the rugged terrain of interpersonal relationships, all the while scribbling notes, taking photographs, collecting samples. The need to fend off attack is always present. Now that I hope I’ve made it sound exciting, here are some clarifications and disclaimers.
You can learn how people affect each other in many ways. Reading, discussing, scientific observations and experiments. Or just close people-watching. We’re going to do a little of all that.
Many of my future posts will suggest ways to start conversations. Continue reading “Disclaimers and clarifications”