Author: James

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One way I can improve as a person

When I pass someone on the sidewalk or hallway, I always try to make eye contact, smile, and even say hello. Unless they are in obvious distress, and then I pull on a supportive frown. Being open and friendly is probably a by product of my rural upbringing. When a car came down our gravel road as a kid, if I was outside I would immediately start getting into position to look up and wave. And now if I anyone else initiates a greeting, I certainly reciprocate, sometimes even agonizing over whether my response was sufficiently warm or sincere.

So why is it when I get an email, even from a person I know, I’ll sometimes read and just think about the response but never send it? In our digital age, isn’t that the same thing as ignoring a hello? I have been frustrated by slow replies and discouraged by those that never came. Yet I do the same to others (in fact, am probably doing right now).

I’d like to think the reason I always return a smile or hello is out of genuine warmth and interest in other people, but maybe it is just out of fear. Fear that a testy character might get offended and attack me? Sure, maybe a little. But more fear of a larger pain. That I would have to endure the look of pain on someone else’s face and know I caused it. Worrying about others’ pain is surely proof of my genuine warmth and interest, isn’t it?

Is it because I think people on the other side of an internet connection don’t have feelings? Or that I’ll never see them? No, I’m so aware they have feelings that the next time I see them, I’ll immediately remember that un-responded to email. I’ll gush with apologies, and then change the whole direction of the conversation because of it, probably for the worse.

This is mostly just because of my procrastination. I tell myself I’ll do it later, after I finish this other more pressing task. Or, there’s always this very tempting rationalization – ‘this deserves a response that I can only give with some more information and time to think’. And then I don’t get the information, or the time just keeps expanding…

If I am serious about eliminating this personal flaw, maybe I should I start to visualize email senders as people I’m passing in the hall. If they said hello, would I ponder whether to say hi, or hello, or how you doing back to them, and in the meantime just walk past, thinking that I’ll just respond next time? Absolutely not! So I can at least reply to email passersby with a ‘Thanks’, or ‘Let me think about that’.

Uh oh. I’m already pre worrying about how some might view canned replies. So I put a little more thought into my pre planned response. Here it is:

” Hi, I don’t have a more specific reply right now because I need more time to think about it. I don’t want to mislead you – my eventual response may be brief, even negative. If I want to continue building our relationship I want to do it right, but if I want to sever our contact, I will be as diplomatic as possible. If we know each other well there should be no surprises here, but I hope for some I am at least making the wait a bit more interesting. Please know that I cared enough about your message, even before you sent it, to compose this frank and heartfelt acknowledgement. The fact that other people may receive this exact message shouldn’t diminish our personal connection, but instead make your connection with others stronger.”

Now I just need to get with some programmers to figure out how to make a reminder system so that every time I send this message I get some kind of reminder to eventually follow up. There probably already is one, I’ve just procrastinated in finding it.

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How to join some conversations

 

Participastory suggests playful ways to interact with people who annoy you instead of getting angry, upset, or isolated. Even if you don’t actually carry out these suggestions, just thinking about them might brighten your day, ease your stress, and put you in the habit of thinking about others instead of just feeling them. If you are a thinking person you’ll know not to feel without express consent anyway.

Recently I decided that one of the interventions I suggested was a mistake. I didn’t discover this as dramatically as you might think, though.

I like reading aloud. I want to make more videos, and I plan to make an audiobook of Forgive and Take. So, in order to practice all these pursuits, I decided to start recording myself as I read some posts aloud.

I tried this with “Using Fresh Words to Defuse Old Tensions”, though, and immediately thought a big part of the post sounded stupid.

The basic idea still has potential. It is part of a series designed to generate new words to describe irritating behaviors to replace curse words or derogatory nomenclature. In this case the annoying quality is when people speak too loudly.

I thought I had a come up with a clever new word – loudpiquer. It combines ‘loud’ with ‘pique’ to suggest someone gets others’ attention by being too loud, either by accident or design. The marketplace of ideas will have to decide how useful, funny, or appropriate it is, but reading my post aloud made me shudder with embarrassment. Did I really think it would be interesting, fun, or funny to tell someone they could be used in a dictionary as a perfect example of a loudpiquer? I can’t imagine anyone would want to interact with that lead in.

So as I tried to view this mistake mindfully, I came up with a better approach. I still think that listening in is a good idea. And if you have the time and inclination, join the conversation. Find some aspect that interests you and ask some questions or share some opinions. If the loud person has noticed your engaged listening, she shouldn’t be surprised once you join in. In fact, they may be hoping others will join in, hence the loud talking.

But if any are surprised you joined them, or wish you had not, just say – “Oh I thought you were doing a hidden camera documentary about loudpiquing.” This won’t be a lie, because right now, you are reading about the potential for such a documentary. It could actually happen. Hopefully the person (s) will wonder what loudpiquing is, and here’s your chance to explain that word. You can explain that it’s a relatively new word meant to describe their current actions. Your chance to learn a lot more about the person will begin to unfold. You may also learn more about yourself through this new interaction.

You may not want to join their conversation or even listen to them anymore. At that point, I don’t know a smooth way to use the word loudpique or loudpiquer. I wish I did, and I encourage you to make suggestions in the space below. And if you aren’t comfortable being direct about how much they are disturbing you, just say, “It sounds like you’d love for me to join your conversation right now, but I simply don’t have time right now. But thanks for trying to be so inclusive. It’s probably best if we just have our own separate conversations.” Being tactfully direct is better, but with this statement you are politely assuming that the person has good intentions and their next actions may reveal if that is true.

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Making Mindful Mistakes

 

Have you ever made a mistake so stupid that you wished you had a brain disorder or disease to blame it on instead of well, you? I did just the other day. But for the record, writing this post has been quite therapeutic and I in no way wish for any sort of brain disease or disorder.

I was leaving Panera Bread. My water cup was empty except for a few ice cubes, so I veered toward the waste and recycle cabinet. A busy employee blocked the front of it, so I leaned over from the side to drop the cup in the hole marked for plastics. As soon as my fingers released their grip I realized that the staff member was changing out the bag for the waste container that normally rests beneath that hole. And then, Ka Boom! The water cup, filled with ice, hit the ground at the same time as my sense of self.

I apologized immediately, but it probably seemed like an automatic, reflex gesture. The fellow said something along the lines of – That’s okay. It happens. Or, that’s not the first time. I can’t remember what he actually said because I was so mortified, but I hope it was the latter. Knowing others had done it too would make me feel better, even though it should make me feel even worse, since it would mean this poor fellow would have had to endure even more misfortune.  I left the restaurant, but that incident obviously hasn’t left me.

Okay, so I exaggerated the seriousness of the mistake I made. But it sent shock waves of embarrassment through me. Had I been more present in the moment, I would have seen what the fellow was doing and asked where he wanted me to place my cup. Instead, I was lost in my own world of thoughts.

Does being present in the moment mean giving up this inner life in favor of closer attention to my surroundings? I love my inner world. It’s where I explore ideas and places I’ve never been. Tell myself stories and figure all sorts of things out. It’s what allows me to feel so superior to people who claim to get bored easily because I suspect they don’t have one. Anyway, I don’t want to reign in my inner world. But I would like to better merge the inventive playfulness and thoughtful consideration of that interior life with my surroundings.

With that state of mind I would might have still made a similar mistake, but maybe I would have reacted better.

If I were appropriately present in my inner world, I would control my body language to convey remorse, yet display a rugged constitution able to withstand criticism. When someone breaks down over a mistake, sure, they’ve showed their regret, but they’ve also spilled a whole lot of feelings for someone to clean up. I would think about how my action affected everyone involved, and make sure that by spending some time fixing this problem that I didn’t worsen another one down the line. Like if I had just been called home about an emergency, or was blocking the line so other people couldn’t throw their stuff away too.

I would look at the employee and all the patrons staring at me and say, “At first I thought my embarrassment is punishment enough for this mistake. Especially since I’m so humiliated I know I’ll never do this again. But, this shouldn’t be about me, but about how to help you. Will you get you in trouble if I clean this up?”

So while being apologetic and willing to clean my own mess, I am also mindful of the business’s commitment to customer service and comfort. If we all gave just the right amount of attention to our mistakes, peoples’ responses to them would change over time as well. In such a world, the employee might reply along these lines.

“Your actions were a classic example of cognitive tunneling. We try to create a pleasurable stimulating atmosphere and you’re a repeat customer because of it. It’s only natural for you to get lost in your own thoughts and not notice a subtle changes in environment. I should have put up a warning sign of some sort around the hole to prevent you from this experience.”

I want to apologize to this Panera worker whose job I made harder that day. I’m sorry for adding to your workload. And I’m especially sorry if I reduced you faith in the overall progress of man with my mindless stupidity.

I would also suggest that we use our mistakes to examine how we affect others. There’s a mental balancing act for us to exercise here. Too little embarrassment, and maybe we don’t try hard enough to avoid mistakes in the first place. Too much embarrassment, and our brain freezes up and we don’t learn anything. The effort spent on this balancing might lead us to that perfect mental state I mentioned earlier, where we integrate impressions of our surroundings into our inner world, without being lost in either. Then we will be free to make new and more interesting mistakes.

But don’t worry, we won’t stop making mistakes. We would have to have perfect information and decision-making abilities to do that, and when by the time that happens we will have finally invented an AI system capable of exterminating us. Now that might be an interesting mistake.

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Using Fresh Words to Defuse Old Tensions

 

When someone speaks so loudly their voice intrudes on everyone nearby, it’s sort of your duty as a good interdependent citizen to speak up. Don’t you want to know when you are annoying others? So unless you’ve heard the person clearly state “I know I’m loud and I don’t care”, just ask if they intend to be heard by everyone. They might really appreciate this feedback, especially if they are newly hired CIA agents, Mafia members, or just rumor mongering neighbors who think no one is aware of their gossip.

Now hopefully you’ve listened in on their conversation and learned a bit about them. What if you’ve gotten the sense they won’t respond well to the direct approach? Or what if you just have trouble being direct? Just because you don’t think the person will be receptive to your input doesn’t mean you should give up. So try starting a conversation by introducing a new word. Fortunately, I have a fresh one to suggest. It might feel funny or sound foolish, but exposing your own vulnerability might make the person a more receptive listener.

Here goes. Time to intervene. Tell the person that they should be used in a dictionary as a perfect example of a loudpiquer.  Be sure to maintain a fair, evenly composed facial expression.  The best way to do that, of course, is to genuinely want to learn more about this individual and share valuable feedback. But, if your underlying attitude is one of hostility or a desire to escalate tension, please don’t do this at all. But, you should definitely continue reading this blog and buy all my books.

This person may have several possible reactions. Because loudpiquer sounds a lot like loudspeaker, they’ll probably know you’re talking about their voice levels. Yet, they’ll also be a little confused, and think, he didn’t say “speaker”, he said “piquer” (although they’ll probably mentally spell it “peaker”.) But saying they are a “perfect” example, and could be used in a dictionary (very smart) will come off as a compliment and should disarm whatever tension might otherwise arise from butting into their conversation.  They should also be impressed by your generosity. After all, you’re bearing the gift of increased vocabulary.

Now that you have that person’s attention, explain a little more about the word. We all know the word loud.  Pique (with an iqu) can mean to arouse curiosity or cause irritation. Either way, that’s what is happening. The ensuing conversation should answer questions about the person’s awareness, their general interest in new things, and their willingness to adapt to the needs of others. And, you’ll learn more about yourself as you try a new way to interact with people.

Of course it’s possible the person won’t appreciate this new word, and maybe even think that you are making fun of them with it. Tread carefully if you get this vibe. Our playful interventions will take some practice and I don’t want anyone getting discouraged by a painful beating or some other humiliating public experience. Apologize if necessary, but explain that you were just trying to do them a favor. Don’t act scared, but be respectful. Pay attention, file away their response in your powerful, computer-like brain, and it will add to your knowledge about social interactions. Over time you will become increasingly adept at dealing with people. Probably.

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When a Good Quality Goes Bad

 

Being open and transparent is usually a good thing. Of course giving too much information, especially about body fluids or other sticky subjects, can be annoying. This post is about how some folks cross boundaries, not in what they share, but how. I’m talking about people who speak so loudly that everyone nearby can hear them, whether they want to or not. It’s almost the opposite of eavesdropping.

I’ve never heard anyone report hearing an interesting idea or good joke from some loud-talking stranger next to her. Have you? If that happened I’d probably raise my voice a lot more because I’m full of interesting ideas and good jokes. No, most would describe this intrusive experience as ranging from uncomfortable all the way to very irritating.

There’s no real problem here unless the person is irritating. That’s bad, because it makes you feel, well, irritated. But before you jump to an unpleasant reaction, I recommend trying to learn some about the person. They are obviously offering up free information so you might as well see if there’s anything to interest you. If the loud neighbor is making it difficult to hear your companion, maybe you and your companion can both listen for a while. Not only would that make for an interesting first date, but maybe you’ll both hear a valuable stock tip or a warning about some impending threat.

While picking up some actionable financial advice is unlikely, there is a good chance you’ll gain something even more worthwhile – insight about fellow humans. You may learn what interests them, what they like and dislike, what they know and don’t know. Why should you care? There are probably many reasons, but one of the most important is because, let’s face it, you are going to judge that person. Maybe you think, I don’t judge others, or at least I try not to. But a judgment is just an opinion. We all have them and we form them all the time to make sense of the world around us. People shouldn’t say ‘don’t judge me’, they should say, ‘judge me accurately and please give me feedback about areas I might need to correct, but don’t treat me poorly’. That’s one of the guiding values of Participastory – don’t treat other people badly. But I digress.

What should you focus in on to make an accurate judgment? To form a detailed opinion, you’ll need more than can be learned from listening in to excessively loud conversation. So I recommend focusing on two important criteria: How much is the person aware of the volume? How much do they care? Understanding this can guide how to respond, both internally and outwardly.

People who knowingly speak loud enough to be heard by others outside their circle might not acknowledge it, but they want to be heard. Think of them as audio posers. They are trying to craft an image or perception for others. Such people are often seen in coffee shops, restaurants, or busy public lines, speaking loudly into their phones, or talking in an animated way to a group of acquaintances who seem to be looking for a way to escape. That’s one of the signs of an audio poser– the people who know him often look like they wish they didn’t. Why does this person want others to hear everything he says? You may have to engage in conversation to find out. And, of course, that might be part of the reason. By spewing out his thoughts and ideas he may be weaving a conversational fishing net.

There is a decent chance, though, that the person may be unaware due to poor hearing, excessive caffeine consumption, or both. I’ve been excessively loud for those reasons before, and I’m glad my family and friends let me know. If this person’s acquaintances informed him and he’s made no effort to tone it down, he may not care. But maybe his friends haven’t told him, and that says a lot about how much they care.

In just a short time, in an unexpected encounter with an intrusive voice, we’ve explored crucial dynamics of human interaction. You’ve formed an opinion about how much the person is aware of their behavior, and perhaps on how much they care about its affect on others. Now it’s time to see if you’re right by asking that person some questions directly. And that’s the subject of my next post.

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Where I’ve been; Where I’m going

Now that I’ve been writing this blog for about eighteen months, it’s a good time to review my progress. One year later would have been better, but like everything else with this project, I’m way behind.

I have grand ambitions for Participastory. In it, I write about negative, unpleasant, and awkward interactions. They fascinate me for a couple reasons. For one I am often surprised by how awkward I can still feel after all these years of living in society. But I am also intrigued by how blind we can be to our own lack of awareness. People can have a bad interaction and half the participants don’t know anything went wrong. Or maybe all the participants are frustrated and dislike each other, yet perceives themselves as always happy and easy to get along with. And situations like this occur among individuals who can do amazing math problems, make medical breakthroughs, or write award winning love poems. Understanding and treating each other better shouldn’t be too complicated, but both continue to elude us. That makes it a tantalizing problem to solve, with bonus emotional features of being both funny and sad. What a great ongoing topic for a blog, right?

Over time, if enough people read and contribute on this subject, we may figure out how to practice better ways of interacting. We already practice how to escape burning buildings without getting hurt, so why not practice much more commonly needed skills like de-escalating angry situations, or being honest without being a dick, or having tough conversations? I envision Participastory to be a double value – high quality, fresh entertainment and a very practical effort to help humankind.

What have I accomplished? I’ve written about thirteen posts that no one has seen except some spammers trolling for fresh website meat. And they probably didn’t read any of it or it would have changed their whole worldview enough to dissuade them from sending me their spammy internet links. So what happened?

Well, like everyone else, I’m busy. I treasure time with my wife, family, and friends. I have a full time job and have been rewriting my latest novel, Forgive and Take (don’t worry, you’ll hear plenty more about it later). And I vastly underestimated how much time it would take to write three stellar blog posts a week, which was my original goal.

So, specific to this project, my first problem is similar to one that afflicts many interactions – I was so consumed with impressing readers that I put too much pressure on myself. Not that I think some posts can suck or just be mediocre. There’s plenty to read out there and I don’t want to write just to be “producing content”. But trying to include a deep insight into human nature and an interest-grabbing improvement for interactions all with a hilarious tone in each essay – that’s more time consuming than I expected. Unfortunately I underestimate how long most projects will take. I thought that I would have solved my problem of underestimating project times by now, but, you guessed it, I underestimated how long that would take.

Rethinking my first vision for the site also caused delays. Originally I thought my posts would focus almost entirely on issues of people giving each other feedback.  I would suggest ways that the Ware a Care Index might improve shortfalls in our verbal and nonverbal communication. But around this time I started thinking Participastory might make more sense to people as an advice column.  Not that I have a lot of answers, but I do get along well with most people and might be able to reframe old problems in new ways. And I thought an advice column might spark more interaction, which I needed to mobilize practice interactions. And that led me to think – what if Participastory could illuminate ways for readers to change their own mental states? In other words to snap out of anger, anxiety, or agitation, or increase energy or motivation. Isn’t that the ultimate form of participation? I couldn’t decide what to write about next.

So in these eighteen months I’ve gone from thinking about examining how we give each other feedback to suggesting new ways to how to control your own mental state. Actually, those pursuits are related, but trying to make that connection with each post is difficult. And here lies my biggest self-made obstacle – I have attempted to make each post directly and obviously connected to last one and all that preceded it.

Starting now I am going to take some smaller steps. At first I will focus on how people learn about each other. I’ll try to avoid common, boring ways people pick up information, like reading resumes or asking dull questions, and instead focus on body language, snap judgments, gossip, and awkward staring. I hope to explore some ways we might improve upon that.    In my last few posts, for example,  I’ve focused on how people see what others are looking at on their phones and laptops.

Most importantly, I am not necessarily going to keep these posts in order. I may write about how we learn about each other one day, and the next about efforts to impress each other. But the topic will somehow revolve around how people affect one another,  all based around the belief that people are interdependent. If we want to succeed and thrive in an interdependent environment, we need to approach the majority of interactions with others with a mind to find mutually satisfying outcomes.

Here are just a few of the areas I may write about over the next few years:

People that make you wish we weren’t interdependent.

How to tell certain people that if they want to be funny they’ll need special training.

How to forge a unique, individual point of view while agreeing with everyone around you.

How to establish social boundaries without a psychological surveyor.

And so on… Thanks for reading. Hope to see you back sometime.

 

 

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I Am Aware and I Care Emoji

 

How do you react when someone looks at your mobile phone or laptop screen without your invitation? Maybe you just shrug it off, or glare at the person. But please consider it a good opportunity to develop social skills, beginning with your ability to read expressions. Is the person looking with concentrated effort, or just gazing about with no clear purpose? You can check your answer by asking in a non threatening way – “Hey, why you’re looking at what I’m looking at?” or just moving the screen out of range and monitoring the reaction.

A more tech approach would be to open an app that featuring an eye staring back at that person, alerting them to the fact you know they are looking. Even more empowering would be an emoji that could convey the range of mental reactions you might have to their screenlifting. But what would you want to express?

Anger or hostility would only seem to beg more problems. It might help if you are reasonably sure the looker was an immediate threat. But otherwise, how do you know she wasn’t about to warn you that she had spotted a terrible malware? Fear might be an honest message, but probably unwise if the person is inclined to cause harm. Kindness is usually always good, no matter what the situation, but might be exploited by a person you know little about. I would recommend a neutral expression that sends this message: I am aware, and I care.

What better position to find a mutually agreeable outcome, both for you and the looker? The fact you care doesn’t mean you are angry or glad they are looking, just interested in why. It invites discussion of their intention and puts you in the best position going forward no matter what the lookers’ intention. It broadcasts strength through awareness and engagement. A neutral state of caring gives you options to focus on yourself if they are too self interested, or more about them if it turns out they need help. Of course, if the person harbors immediate malicious intent, forget the emoji expression and either fight or run, depending on the situation.

Now on the flip side, if you are discovered looking at a screen, how should you respond? If you mean that person harm, well, I’m not sure why you are reading a blog devoted to improving human relations through mutually agreeable outcomes. But perhaps you are trying to become a better person and my first piece of advice would be to acknowledge wrongdoing while making sure to restrain yourself from any violent impulses. If you are a secret intelligence officer and are caught reading the screen of a dangerous enemy, just rely on your training. I don’t know what to tell you.

But, if like most in this situation, your eyes land on another’s screen out of genuine curiosity, inattention, or boredom. And you won’t yet have an emoji to express an emotional state, so you’ll need to use your face and body language to respond. What will you want to say?

Do you feel you had a right to look at the screen, since it was right in front of you? If the screen owner is unhappy, then they shouldn’t have held it up, right? It’s much easier to convey this with a sneer or look of contempt, than actually using those words. Or do you feel guilty, like you have trespassed on this person’s digital property and you should get off as quickly as possible? Your embarrassed look away and inability to make eye contact will get that message across.

Your attitude about being discovered, your response to it, should match your belief about how far your rights extend into others’. And here lies an opportunity to turn a minor incident in line at Starbucks or the local library into a philosophical examination of wide ranging implications. How much do you feel entitled to others’ space or inner knowledge? How much should you know about what others know? How much permission do you need? And do you think others should expect the same of you? If you have decided that your goal in every interaction is find a mutually agreeable outcome then your inquiry, your curiosity, your efforts are trying to serve the both of you. Even if you make a mistake, you can avoid the sense of guilt that accompanies self conflict, and focus on learning from it.

It’s okay if what you think your rights are overlap or intrude into what they think their rights are. That happens all the time and will continue. But it’s not okay to ignore or lie about it, though. That just makes problems worse. Figure out how your overlapping, conflicting interests can find a mutually agreeable outcome starts by expressing that you are aware that they are aware, and you care.

I wish I knew how to tell you exactly how to express this caring awareness. Figuring it out is one of the main near term goals of this blog.

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Screenlifting

Screenlifting might be a real thing. Surely some people do look at other people’s cell phones, laptops, and tablets without invitation to do so. But is it a problem?  I’ve never heard anyone complain about another person looking at her screen. I’d be interested in hearing from those who have heard someone say, “God, his eyes were all over my Facebook account, looking my up and down my updates.”

For fun, though, let’s examine some different screenlifting situations.

When a stranger views your phone or laptop, your response should probably be uncomplicated. You’ll never see each other again, so unless it was some private financial information they saw, who cares? Because they don’t know you, any personal information will be out of context, less embarrassing, less likely to be understood.

People you see regularly but don’t know well, such as some co-workers, neighbors, or fellow church members, exert a lot of influence. You strive to maintain a certain reputation among them, you compete with them for promotions, seek help or alliances with them, and so forth. They are probably the people you least want to see your screen without your knowledge for fear of it being misinterpreted or taken out of context. At the same time, overt efforts to conceal a screen might foment suspicion that you harbor a lot of secrets.

People close to you such as life partners, family, good friends, should be able to see your screens without worry. It’s reasonable to hide a message about a birthday gift you want to be a surprise, or if you are working on institutionalizing that person due to an unsafe mental illness. But otherwise, if you try to keep other secrets from these individuals, you might need to re-examine your entire relationship.

If you find someone peering at your screen, let it be a door to explore yourself and another person instead of a nest to hatch hasty, ill informed judgments. Are you upset or pleased that a person is looking at your content? Would you rather the person look at you, instead of what you are looking at? Would you rather people pay you no attention, or do you only want attention on your exact terms? If you are worried about exposing your bank account numbers, what are you doing checking your balance in line at Chipolte anyway?

Such situations are ideal to explore how much space or privacy you require. All of that leads to questions about what you expect of others. And if you know your expectations, do you make others clearly aware of them? We should all know those answers about ourselves, and even more important, we why think that way.

In general I would suggest we treat this visual intrusion with more curiosity than anything. When someone looks at you or your screen, you may well discover that person does not have your best interest in mind. But don’t assume it. Not long ago, when someone felt his personal space or honor being challenged by a stare, it was common to say, “What are you looking at?” If we continue to keep interacting with our phones instead of each other, though, that question might become a new, innocent way to just start a conversation.

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Bubble Freedom

With every preference you choose on your phone, tablet, or laptop your life becomes a little easier, the world more centered around you. The customized bubble you design supplies you with just the right mix of ideas and entertainment plus access to the actual necessities of life. And since you can stay in your bubble and still Face-time friends and family, why burst it? It’s only isolating if you neglect to think and care about other people around you, and that can easily describe some people completely disconnected from technology. In fact, I would say it happened to people for centuries before we ever had text alerts and social media.

Why some people do not think or care as much about others as well as, others, is huge question for another day. But it seems safe to say that while our technology did not create the condition of uncaring ignorance, it certainly makes it easier for those conditions to form.

By filling your screen with this post I hope you gain some new ways to consider this issue. Participastory strives to inspire more thoughtful interaction and awareness between people. Part of that must include discovering how to integrate technology into life without reducing our humanity (and ideally enhancing it). Screens aren’t going away. Limiting our time in front of them may work for some, but for many it requires too much discipline, or even a different job. So perhaps a good first step for a lot of people to break free of their bubble is just to start looking at other peoples’ screens. They are right there in front of you in check out lines, beside you in meetings, in coffee shops. Why not?

At first glance you might think this was just a dreadfully long set up for a joke. Well, congratulations, you got it! It was a joke, sort of. I write sort of, because consciously deciding to acquaint yourself with another person by reading what’s on her laptop screen might be more efficient and interesting than the initial small talk so many of us engage in. Sure, it currently violates a lot of social norms around privacy. But our norms may change rapidly as technology becomes increasingly woven into our every day life. We already show pictures from our phones to people, and share articles, forward emails. Who is to say if the convenience of technology will make us so lazy that someday we just say, here I don’t know what you’ll like or not so just look through it yourself. Except, we won’t bother to use words, but some sort of hologram-projected emoji of our feelings. But for now, looking at others’ screens seems a violation, so much so that I have adopted the term suggestive of petty retail theft, “screenlifting”.

But as in all interpersonal interactions, if you see someone checking out your screen, or do it to someone else, there is an opportunity to learn more about that person. What could be more anti bubble than exploring other humans? Some of you may decide to engage this person immediately. “What are you looking at?” That’s a defensive, confrontational phrase that has been around a long time. It doesn’t necessarily have to apply to a person looking at another person, but I only recommend it if uttered in a calm, curious manner. In my next post I’ll discuss what you might consider about the screenlifting experience before you act.