Applying the Ware Care Continuum

To improve our interdependence, we should invoke John F. Kennedy. Ask not how someone or something makes you feel, ask how you make others feel. That’s not always an easy conversation to start, unless you step on their toes, spill hot coffee in their lap, cut them off in traffic, or turn them on in some irresistible way. That gets quick feedback. The rest of the time, though, asking about feelings evokes a sense of privacy, intimacy, and for some, weak sentimentality. So let’s call it how we affect other people. That sounds more neutral, less vulnerable. How do you learn how you affect others? Do you just ask? Maybe sometime we can get that direct. But for now we probably need to give something of ourselves first, namely we can share information about how they affect us.

It’s usually easy to tell someone if she has made a positive affect on you. It can be much harder when an interaction is unpleasant. Negative impressions stick with us. We often avoid giving feedback about the experience for fear of upsetting the person, saying the wrong thing, or we actually say the wrong thing that makes the situation worse. When your interests are offended, it’s easy to conclude that the person doesn’t care about you. The person might care, but lack awareness. Using the Ware Care Continuum can help you avoid some unpleasant reactions associated with a negative interaction by increasing your understanding of the person. It can also open up ways to share your impressions of others in case that person wants help with personal growth.

Here’s how it works. When someone upsets you, interrupt the counterproductive chain of reactions with questions. Instead of thinking, this &^%# just cut me off, or interrupted me, or wasted my time, ask, did this &^%$ know I am here, or aware I wasn’t finished, or think I wasn’t busy right now? If calling that person an expletive helps relieve a little tension, go ahead. But only in your mind. And keep your face neutral too. Sometimes your expression can call a person a douchebag without you saying a word. The curiosity behind the questions should replace some of the animosity, and what you learn should give you better options in handling the situation.

This inquiry should get at how this person affects you, not other aspects of personal preferences, tastes, and so on. Remember, though, that we are not promoting self-centeredness, but interdependence. Ask specific questions about areas the person can control. Some qualities like how a person speaks, looks, moves, for example, are outside control. They may annoy you, which is an affect, but one that shouldn’t change your reaction. If it does, you need to examine your own sense of tolerance. To know how a person affects you, ask how much is the person aware and cares.

Is this person aware of me, of my presence? That’s the most basic level of inquiry. Then, is this person aware of what I’m doing? Am I driving? Talking to someone else? Busy at my job? That’s a lower to medium level. A low ware or med ware. Is this person aware of how I am doing right now? If I am in pain? Distress? Happy? Sad? Angry? Knowledge of these mental states range from a medium level of awareness to high. Some folks mask their emotions well or simply always have flat affects. Is this person aware that I like her? Dislike him? Is this person aware of my thoughts, my cares? If yes, that signifies a high ware.

Your evaluation of the person’s awareness indicates your level of expectation. In other words, by evaluating that person you are also examining yourself. Why do I think that person should know my name? Have I introduced myself properly? Am I friendly and engaging? Do I think I am well known in this area? The answers to those questions might help you interact better with everyone else you meet. It will start a path for you to understand how you affect others. And if your warecare assessments are shared properly, they might help others.

It’s taken me a long time to write this post because I’ve made so many revisions to it. I’ve even changed the name of the process from Care/Aware Index to the Ware Care Continuum. I hope the latter is better. Another big question was about the best names or descriptors to use. These descriptions need to be short, and preferably pleasing to the ear. To start, we will modify high, medium, or low along with care and aware to create the phrases high ware, low care, med ware high care, low ware, low care, and so forth. I’m sure when someone blocks you in the hallway without seeming to care, or gets upset about something that wasn’t your fault, calling or thinking of them as a low ware may lack the satisfying sense of power that asshole or SOB provides. But understanding the person better should be satisfying on a deeper level. Now, if you dig into the situation and discover the person is a low ware, low care, or worse, high ware, low care, you may find they are in fact an a-hole. At least now you will have something to back it up. And by participating in the development of the WareCare Continuum, you might discover ways to help someone overcome such a personality deficiency. Isn’t changing someone better than just judging him?