When I pass someone on the sidewalk or hallway, I always try to make eye contact, smile, and even say hello. Unless they are in obvious distress, and then I pull on a supportive frown. Being open and friendly is probably a by product of my rural upbringing. When a car came down our gravel road as a kid, if I was outside I would immediately start getting into position to look up and wave. And now if I anyone else initiates a greeting, I certainly reciprocate, sometimes even agonizing over whether my response was sufficiently warm or sincere.
So why is it when I get an email, even from a person I know, I’ll sometimes read and just think about the response but never send it? In our digital age, isn’t that the same thing as ignoring a hello? I have been frustrated by slow replies and discouraged by those that never came. Yet I do the same to others (in fact, am probably doing right now).
I’d like to think the reason I always return a smile or hello is out of genuine warmth and interest in other people, but maybe it is just out of fear. Fear that a testy character might get offended and attack me? Sure, maybe a little. But more fear of a larger pain. That I would have to endure the look of pain on someone else’s face and know I caused it. Worrying about others’ pain is surely proof of my genuine warmth and interest, isn’t it?
Is it because I think people on the other side of an internet connection don’t have feelings? Or that I’ll never see them? No, I’m so aware they have feelings that the next time I see them, I’ll immediately remember that un-responded to email. I’ll gush with apologies, and then change the whole direction of the conversation because of it, probably for the worse.
This is mostly just because of my procrastination. I tell myself I’ll do it later, after I finish this other more pressing task. Or, there’s always this very tempting rationalization – ‘this deserves a response that I can only give with some more information and time to think’. And then I don’t get the information, or the time just keeps expanding…
If I am serious about eliminating this personal flaw, maybe I should I start to visualize email senders as people I’m passing in the hall. If they said hello, would I ponder whether to say hi, or hello, or how you doing back to them, and in the meantime just walk past, thinking that I’ll just respond next time? Absolutely not! So I can at least reply to email passersby with a ‘Thanks’, or ‘Let me think about that’.
Uh oh. I’m already pre worrying about how some might view canned replies. So I put a little more thought into my pre planned response. Here it is:
” Hi, I don’t have a more specific reply right now because I need more time to think about it. I don’t want to mislead you – my eventual response may be brief, even negative. If I want to continue building our relationship I want to do it right, but if I want to sever our contact, I will be as diplomatic as possible. If we know each other well there should be no surprises here, but I hope for some I am at least making the wait a bit more interesting. Please know that I cared enough about your message, even before you sent it, to compose this frank and heartfelt acknowledgement. The fact that other people may receive this exact message shouldn’t diminish our personal connection, but instead make your connection with others stronger.”
Now I just need to get with some programmers to figure out how to make a reminder system so that every time I send this message I get some kind of reminder to eventually follow up. There probably already is one, I’ve just procrastinated in finding it.