One person’s attention can create a powerful affect on its recipient. Parents’ attention on their children shows love, lack of it, neglect. Our attention is finite, and most of us have less than we want to admit. We should use it wisely. Sometimes, though, it goes astray.
When someone starts composing or reading email on an open laptop near you, do your eyes ever drift over and start reading it? If we read an email like that, without explicit permission, that is screenlifting, the ugly cousin of hacking. Never mind that when you Google “screenlifting” you find images for tools to physically lift screens; I think it fits well in this context and I hope to see it used this way more often. And this form of visual eavesdropping isn’t limited to laptops; in fact reading others’ text messages in line at Chipotle or on the bus or subway might be even more common.
While hacked emails make headlines almost every day, we don’t hear much about screenlifting. Perhaps we don’t talk about it because we don’t think it is a problem. You never hear about important secrets being exposed because someone didn’t cover her laptop screen at Starbucks. But maybe it’s something deeper than that. Perhaps we don’t talk about it because we all do it in some way and therefore think it’s no big deal.
Not matter the reason, discussion of screenlifting may provoke some thorny emotions and thoughts about how we give attention and get it from others. We all see things about people that they aren’t necessarily aware of. Sometimes we stumble on situations or views of them before we can turn away, and sometimes we look for it. What we do with that tells us a lot about ourselves.
Here’s an example: you’re in a meeting at work, or next to someone at a crowded coffee shop. Something in the email on the screen next to you catches your attention and instantly an ethics algorithm runs itself in your brain. I’m not going to do anything harmful with this information, the person must not be too concerned about or he wouldn’t be writing it here, by knowing what’s in it I can possibly help this person…All these rationalizations grant permission to read the screen, or possibly make you feel okay about it having read it after the fact. Activity in your brain happens really fast. Suddenly you have about four or five sentences worth of information about the person next to you they don’t know you have. What do you do now?
In future posts I will explore what to do if the information is dangerous, or how to deal with people who deliberately seek to harm others. But for now let’s say you read it just because you find other people interesting and by seeing writing styles you can learn about how they think. You’ve just gained some insight into the person beside you. Should you let them know?
You might say: Excuse me, I just wanted to let you know I read your email and found it quite interesting. You have a lot of stuff going on in your life right now but seem to be handling it really well. And oh, the way you phrased that second sentence was pretty awkward. I had to read twice to get the meaning. I’d re-write that one.
Maybe the author would be grateful. She might even be flattered by your interest and glad that you had the courage to let her know your thoughts.
But those of us living on Planet Earth know this scenario is quite unlikely. Instead, you would be hesitant to share what you know for fear of being thought creepy or weird. And even if the author were an open and trusting person, she would most likely regard your revelation with suspicion and fear. And that’s the way it should be, right?
People get small amounts of information about others all the time, from a bit of gossip, a certain look, or behavior in a situation. Do we feel we need to inform others about everything we know of them? Common sense says we should not, if for no other reason than lack of time. But let’s use this weird little example to consider how much we notice about others. We should be interested in each other. When you interact with someone else, you are that person’s business. Yet, we usually want a signal that it is okay to get to know someone. For many, though, the drive to send such a signal is overwhelmed by the acute risk of rejection or concern about self-promotion.
What would society be like if most people were like this well intentioned screenlifter and grateful emailer? Where we were genuinely interested in each other, and if we realized we crossed some kind of boundary we disclosed it? If our first reaction to any slight transgression was forgiveness and understanding? Would you want to live in a society like that?
Even if you say yes, do you think you could truly feel at ease in such an open and trusting environment? Can you simultaneously let your guard down enough to trust others, while making sure to avoid sending easily misinterpreted signals? Being trusting and forgiving of others and yourself might lull some into relaxing their vigilance over self-control and improvement. But that only leads to personal dissatisfaction while giving ammo to critics of the open and trusting approach.
I am not suggesting we all start looking at each others’ screens. It’s just my lighthearted attempt to provoke thought about how we look at each other. But I do think we should welcome the curiosity of others just as we try to cultivate genuine interest in those around us. And when you encounter information about someone, try to think about it consciously, at least a little. How does what you just learned about the person affect you? Does it make you like her more or less? Does it make you think they are smarter or less intelligent? Odds are that impression will affect how you treat that person. And if we measure character by traits like kindness, honesty, and loyalty, how you manage that information may shape the kind of person you are.